It was midnight. And God woke me up.
I’d had a bad dream and woke up. As soon as I did, God spoke. “Remember how you used to fall asleep to fantasy?”
Yes. I remember, Lord.
Then I felt Him say that this season was to lean into MY life, happily. Wow. It felt like a punch to the gut and a hug at the same time. It wasn’t a condemning voice, but a warm reminder of how I used to be, and where I am now.
In my 20’s wanted to always feel good, and my nighttime was filled with fantasy. It helped me get to sleep, from what I remember. Not sex fantasy but idealizing about romance and how my someday-husband would arrive, what it would be like. Basically, I idealized being “seen” or “found”.
Now, in the season of healing I am on, I felt Him say that it was a season to learn how to live in the middle. Not catastrophisizing or imagining worst case scenario. Or fantasizing and idealizing. Not pushing for perfection all the time and “how could we do this better?” In. Every. Situation. But the happy middle.
Earlier that day as I had folded laundry, I was tumbling over in my head and praying about the seemingly restless heart (and body) I felt.
And so, God woke me up and said it’s time to learn how to live in the happy middle. The happy beautiful middle God has given me with an amazing husband and two beautiful daughters. How to live not in riches or poverty, but in the middle. How to enjoy the balance of both growth and contentment. How to be okay with the “not anymore” and the “not yet” of who He is making me.
As I lay restlessly in bed I said, “Lord, how do I do this? Live in the happy middle?”
“With me.”
Happy sigh. He’s my road map. As a believer, the beautiful comfort we have is that God’s Spirit lives within us to counsel, teach and remind us of God’s goodness. (John 14:26)
Psalm 32:7-8 says, “You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.”
I love that we can inquire of the Lord, wait, and hear what He says. Knowing that He WANTS to speak to me, meet with me, walk with me. Like a good Shepherd, He doesn’t abandon me in my wrestle, He actually leads, guides and frees me from it.
Ok, Lord. Here’s to the happy middle. Whatever You want that to look like.
